Treasure #4: Be willing to share your fears and emotions – there is more risk keeping them bottled up.

2010: Our use of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has been a huge blessing during this journey. Just three years ago, I would have withheld my thoughts, and associated feelings of resentment, anxiety and sadness from my husband … not wanting to burden him … fearful that he would blame himself. NVC has taught us a common language with which to safely express these “hard to share” and “hard to hear” emotions with each other, in a way where I can fully own that these are my feelings, generated within me. Being able to actively unburden, what could grow into a heavy load, with safety and ease has been priceless. We feel more connected and in tune with each other because of it.

Power of Vulnerability

2012 Update: If you have not heard Brene Brown’s TED talk, click on the video to the right and listen to the startling discoveries that she has to share! I heard it at the tail end of 2011 and she put to words an instinct that I had been intuitively exploring around the link between numbness, emotions, shame and vulnerability. Little did I realize how important Nonviolent Communication has been in my quest to experience more vibrancy in my Body and in my life! Speaking the truth of what what is can be very powerful, as evidenced by the anthology that I participated in 2 years ago, “Speaking Your Truth: Courageous Stories from Inspiring Women” and my recent blog post, “The Physical Side of My Love Affair“.

On a relationship level, Kris and I continue to use both NVC and dyadic Council to keep the air clear between us. Unexpectedly, clearing out the unsaid hurts and worries has created spaciousness for our individual genius and passions to come forth … where we can easily drop into a space of collaboration and co-visioning. What’s emerging is a “power with” model of relationship where we can both stand in our strengths, fully seeing, sharing and valuing what the other brings to the table, without the old power dynamics that unknowingly would get in our way. I wish I could share more, but this is so fresh and new that even finding the few words that I’ve given thus far was challenging. So stay tuned …

Treasure #5: Personal energy is a valuable resource – use it mindfully.

2010: Watching my husband sleep for 5 days – only to awake for short 4 hour stretches in the morning and evening – during the initial stages of treatment, made me realize how precious a resource personal energy really is. I’ve been treating mine as a commodity, something to be given away without thought. So I’ve started a personal “devotional” practice of minding my choices, of minding my habits, of minding what I eat, of starting my day and ending my day with attention to my intention of staying grounded and open … to begin the process of reclaiming my energy. I use the word “devotional” intentionally … I no longer wonder how I’ve spent or wasted my energy … more and more I find myself asking, “is this how I want to invest my precious resource?”

2012 Update: – I never dreamt where this inquiry would take me! Last summer, I found myself having to say “no” to a housewarming party that my brother and his family were having. It was so clear to me that with the house overflowing with 60+ party attendees, I wouldn’t get any type of quality connection time with them. My preference was to make the drive down on a different day when we could spend quality time together. Face time vs. quality time? “Is this how I want to invest my precious resource?” I know that speaking my truth about this resulted in a lot of emotions for everyone involved, and yet if I truly believe that my personal energy is a valuable resource, then I have to behave as if it truly is. No one else can do that for me … it has to start with me.

Treasure #6: Learn how to say “No” loud and clear.

2010: Leukemia gave me the easy out – very easy to say “No. I am sorry but I can’t” when people know my husband has leukemia. But this prompted me to ask myself, “Why do I need to hide behind that as a reason?” After all, if I feel overwhelmed at the thought of adding a request onto my plate, then I owe the person an authentic, clear “No”. Extricating myself from commitments made has been particularly hard, as I wrestle with feelings of guilt, sadness, and frustration – “It isn’t fair to have to say “no” to local organizations that ignite my passion comprised of people who inspire me!” Surprise, surprise … by me being clear and honest about my feelings, about my reality, I have received complete acceptance from the requester. And an even bigger surprise, that I felt noticeably lighter and freer once I had done the deed, and said “no”.

2012 Update: This is where my “Say Yes to Me” devotional practice became a beacon that steered me out of the chaos of overwhelm into more calmer waters. 2 years ago, just days before I found the cyst and a few weeks before Kris’ diagnosis, I made a personal commitment to say yes to experiencing more ease and freedom in my business. I knew that I needed to invest in 2-3 technology-based projects that would led to more ease and freedom and rather than continue to derail myself by taking on too much, I was going to stay on track to make those happen.

The key was a realization straight out of Nonviolent Communication … that if someone tells me “No’, it isn’t because they don’t care or don’t like me or … it is because they are really saying “Yes” to something else that they value more in that moment. Translation … by knowing what I am saying “Yes” to, every “No” I choose to say is reaffirming what it is that I value. WOW! That is worth repeating for the Overworked Overwhelmed Overachiever who is seeking a new path forward … by knowing what I value, and being willing to say “Yes” to that, every “No” I choose to say a chance for me to check in with myself, reaffirm and recommit out loud to what it is that I value.

Take a close look at the drawing on the right, by the talented Janice Earhart, illustrator of “Speaking Your Truth: Courageous Stories from Inspiring Women”. That is the image that came to her from reading the message in my chapter, “Say Yes To Me”. It is such a fitting visual of my quest to transform Overworked Overwhelmed Overachiever! The original is hanging on my wall in front of me as a reminder of where I started and how far I’ve come.

Treasure #7: Listen to your internal “Yes”.

2010: Who would have thought that in getting clear on my “no”, I would start to find my internal “Yes”! In all the drive and waiting time surrounding the doctor’s appointments, I found the unexpected gift of time to be present … to develop my ability to listen to my internal “Yes”. You see, in all of the running around and in all of the tasks I would say yes to before, I never gave myself breathing time to check in with myself. In the absence of breathing space, my internal “Yes” had lost its voice — I had unknowingly lost connection with my intuition. That is what prompted me to spend last year apprenticing with David Morelli … to be able to hear my internal “Yes” more clearly.

2012 Update: I’m smiling as I reach this last update because I’ve been adding them without reading ahead. So as I completed the update to Treasure #6, I looked up and realized how it perfectly validated Treasure #7, as well! This is intuition at work … tuning into the mystery of what is showing up in the moment, being open to hearing and following those signals from within and then feeling both surprise and validation at what results. I couldn’t have planned it that way if I had tried, so why continue trying so hard?

And this is the essential notion behind Essence … that Essence is the Essential You, the qualities of you that people experience when you walk into a room AND notice are missing when you leave. If there is a part of you that is SO you, what would it be like to move through life leading with this aspect of yourself? Leading with what comes so easily and naturally that you may not even realize that it is what others consider to be your strengths? Ease? Yes. Peace? Yes. Joy? Yes.

More to follow on this …

Sincerely,

 

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Treasure #1: Listen hard to those signs that your body is telling you … and take action.

2010: Kris’ leukemia was discovered due to increasingly severe acid reflux over the past 10 months, most likely caused by his enlarged spleen pushing against his stomach. If not for his persistence in seeking a solution for the recurring acid reflux, the leukemia would have remained undetected.

2012 update: Would you believe that the acid reflux, not the leukemia, has been the biggest impingement on our quality of life? Our daily walks ceased when we realized that walking would kick up the acid regardless of when he had last eaten.

And then 4 months ago, we shared a startling insight. In the middle of an acid attack, Kris’ eyes became blood shot and the top of his head began to itch. From my vantage point, his physical symptoms were similar to a caricature of someone blowing their top. All this time, he would try to push the acid back down … what if this was long-ago anger stuffed deep inside seeking a way to come out? Turns out that is what it was, and with the support of bodywork and energy tools, he has been clearing out that old stuck energy. I’m happy to report that we are back to taking those walks together!

Treasure #2: Be willing to take a different approach to get answers that make sense.

2010: The chronic myeloid leukemia was found by our non-force chiropractor, Dr. Todd Binkley, on a routine blood test that he runs for nutritional assessments. We decided to pursue this route when conventional approaches to acid reflux did not yield results. We are so blessed that Todd is part of the team of professionals supporting us! Within hours of getting lab test confirmation, Todd had researched the side effects and put Kris on a program of vitamin supplements to strengthen those organs that will be hit the hardest … not just by the leukemia, but by the medication.

2012 update: What more needs to be said about this other than our most recent discovery about Kris’ acid reflux and its relationship to anger that he has stored inside for decades? If your symptoms persist despite what you’ve done in the past, it is time to seek another solution. Remember … your Body-Mind-Spirit Connection works in mysterious ways, and is constantly trying to communicate with you in the only language that it knows.

Treasure #3: Support is available to you from unexpected sources … you just need to seek/ask for it.

2010: Neither of us are good at asking for support, but we knew that we would need it. So we elected to create a free private blog using CarePages. By being willing to share the specifics of our journey – the emotions, the challenges, the insights, the blessings – we received a flood of support, from near and far, from colleagues, and from long lost friends.

By using this forum, we created a healing space for ourselves, absent of the usual flood of phone calls and emails that would require repeating the same news over and over again. Members of the blogpage are notified when we post an update, and can login whenever they want. We get to see everyone’s postings when we login ourselves.

Most importantly, those who are physically separated from us have visible proof of the amount of support we have in our lives.

2012 Update: Asking for support continues to be a practice for me. After all, how can I be strong and independent AND at the same time, admit that I don’t have it all together so I need help? And yet, as I made the detour last summer into wild, uncharted territory of Messy and Authentic, I’ve received more encouragement and thanks from all of you (aka. support) than ever before.

There is something sneakily deceptive in how perceptions can be limiting! I could have easily withheld all that I have shared with you for fear of what you would think of me … of how my “professional businesswoman” image would be tarnished. And it was in my vulnerability that you responded. Ultimately, we as human beings are stronger when we help each other … face it, we want to help each other! Yeah, we could probably do it faster on our own, but together we go farther. It is my own willingness to receive appreciation, support and encouragement that fuels me to soar higher, than if I were trying to get there on my own. I intentionally use the word “willingness” because 4 years ago, I found myself inadvertently brushing off a heartfelt thank you from one of my students – it was as if I had an wall around me where I could hear her words, but they would bounce off of me and not land. So yes, asking is still a practice, but I am so much better now at receiving!

Meanwhile, Carepages continues to be our preferred means to share our reaction to the most recent test results. 2 years out, I still experience how supportive it has been both for us and for those who subscribed to his private blogpage. The question “Is he in remission?” and “Is he still in remission?” will be life-long questions to which we’ll receive an answer every 4 months or so when the doctor tests whether the mutated gene can be seen in his blood or not. And yet, neither of us want those to be the only questions that people ask us, because while the leukemia is part of our lives, leukemia is not our life. Carepages allows us to experience the fullness and richness of our lives, because we can share the most recent news via that blog, freeing up our community of family and friends for everything else that is much richer, vibrant, exciting and juicier for us.

Sadly, since 2010, I’ve lost count of the number of friends and family with whom I’ve shared CarePages in times of their desperate need. I sincerely hope that you share the concept of CarePages, an underutilized, highly effective free resource, with people you know. Please let them know about this resource now, before the urgent need arises. You may think, “Why say something now?” And the reality is that when a cancer crisis emerges, that seed that you planted now will emerge as a lifeline … “I remember that you told me about a resource that could help. What was it? How do I get more information about it?”

Please use the social media buttons below to pass it on!



Sincerely,

 

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Stay with me … I know that I’ve promised you more about Essence. I will deliver. What I share over these next few weeks is the fertile soil from which my Essence exploration bloomed. More than that, my Essence exploration was forged in the fire that became my life in those few weeks after his diagnosis.

It is my hope that by sharing these older musings with you, that your exploration will ignite without the fuel of an unexpected life change.

Sincerely,

Living With the Reality of Cancer – originally published April 2010

2010 has been a roller coaster ride for me! The morning after my January Guided Forgiveness Meditation, I found a hard and painful spot on my breast. It took a month to confirm that it was simply a cyst and that due to its size, no further action was required. On February 18th after flying back from visiting family in Atlanta, we learned that my husband, Kris, has the early stages of a highly treatable form of leukemia (chronic myeloid leukemia). March whizzed by on the road (driving to and from the doctor’s office for a myriad of tests) or sitting in the waiting room. April was the start of resuming life as “normal” now that his symptoms have subsided and he is stable on daily medication.

The biggest surprise for me in all of this is that hearing the news did not floor us … a testament to how yoga and meditation have changed us. Seriously, our biggest fear was how to share the news with people, and to deal with their resulting worry and calls.

It is as if life suddenly said to me, “You’ve been cruising for a while, on a smooth highway, at high speed. Well, now you have to spend some time on this new road … off the map, unpaved, with some really large potholes.” Reality had suddenly shifted for us, and all that we could do was take things one step at a time. Worrying about the unknown felt like a waste of precious energy … so it was simply a matter of walking through each step of the process to get answers. And isn’t that the best that any of us can do at any time … to stay present and take one step at a time?

Next week, I will share some incredible treasures that I have gained from all of this – what I’ve learned supported me in down-shifting, in navigating around those potholes, and seeing the beauty in this uncharted territory that I could have easily missed.

After all, I could have kept driving along at high speed … and ended up a wreck.

PS. 2012 Update My husband has responded amazingly well to the treatment. Fortunately, all he has to do is take a daily pill that is leading him towards remission. Close, but not quite there yet … the next set of tests will be in March 2012.

For me, the anticipation of these tests and the hope created as we wait for results has been a practice in letting go of attachment since the promised remission has been at least 6 months overdue. And then I ask myself, “What difference would it make whether he is remission or not? No change in treatment, no change in quality of life (which has become amazing). So what is it that you are really attached to?” Easy! Certainty. And as we know, life is everything but certain! And in recognizing what is really going on with me, I am able to breathe more fully.

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The day before last week’s post went out, I began reading Cheryl Richardson’s book, “The Unmistakable Touch of Grace”. I had just started her suggested practice of calling in the energy of grace (and I chose to add “vibrancy”) on a daily basis and to record all of my experiences of grace and vibrancy that show up. Then your flood of appreciation and validation came in. More deeply moving has been the number of you who have shared with me the history of your abuse.

I’m at a loss as to how to respond because when I write and schedule my blog posts, I never know how they will land … if at all. I don’t see the courage in my words that so many of you see … because I see that each of us has wounds from which we are meant to heal and grow. These are shared experiences of humanness on par with those of joy and gratitude. My wounds are no different than yours and as we each heal from them, sharing them with others moves them even farther into the light where they lose their hold over us, and serve to inspire others. This is the intersection where yoga and meditation meet … in bringing light to the unconscious.
 
 

And then in the midst of the flood, I received a newsletter from a new-found friend and teacher, Laura Amazzone, and she provided me the perspective that I was seeking. Laura teaches about the Divine Feminine in the Tantric tradition, and it turns out that one particular goddess, Akhilandeshwari, sums up the undercurrent of what I shared last week, to which so many of you responded. The beauty of the Tantric pantheon is that each god and goddess represents an aspect of energy that we each have within us. The Tantric rituals and chanting specific to each god or goddess support you in calling in this energy, in the exact same way as Cheryl Richardson’s daily practice. I believe that what I see around me is a reflection of what is within me, so I believe that I am calling forth what already exists within me, but I simply have not yet fully seen. Again, bringing light to the unconscious. And another opportunity to experience the majesty of grace.

At this time, when I am still seeking words, I am sharing Laura’s words with you. Know that I am soaking in all of the words that you have shared with me … and as I digest them, I will respond in my own voice.

With deep gratitude,

 
 
PS. If you are intrigued by Laura’s words and the idea of these goddesses, Laura is launching a teleseminar on Ten Tantric Wisdom Goddesses on February 1. I’m already enrolled, and I hope you can join Laura and me by signing up for one session or for all of them. You can get more information about Laura at her wesbite LauraAmazzone.com. You will need to email her to get information on how to register for her teleseminar. I apologize for not giving you an email link, but I can’t figure out how to do that, and want to honor her privacy.

PPS. You can purchase “The Unmistakable Touch of Grace” by Cheryl Richardson by clicking here to get to my Other Resources page. Scroll down to my Amazon store and look under the category “Inspiration for My Spirit” or under my Kindle list.

AKHILANDESHWARI – SHE WHO IS NEVER NOT BROKEN

reprinted with permission from Laura Amazzone

I have been riding on the back of Akhilandeshwari’s crocodile for months, but I honestly had no idea it was this particular Divine Mother who had been carrying me since the Durga Puja this fall. Finally Akhilandeshwari revealed Herself when Her crocodile grabbed me in Her ferocious jaws, spun me around on the Winter Solstice and demanded that if I am going to write about the dark and its wisdom, I better be prepared to let go of some of the samskaras my ego mind was still deluded by! Ouch!

This is a Goddess whose name means SHE WHO IS NEVER NOT BROKEN. The double negative is meant to emphasize the truth of Her brokenness. She reminds us of all the broken pieces in ourselves that we tend to neglect, try to push away and ignore. She often comes when we have become attached to a way of being or living. Her fierce teachings are not to harm us, but to disorient our egos so that we can drop our attachments and come into our authentic nature. Akhilandeshwari is described as a shimmering jewel, its varied facets refracting light in all directions. The jewel is perfect in its brokenness and this is exactly what She wants to remind us.

It may seem strange to think of Goddess as broken, but She is broken because we are all broken. We all have gone through the heartbreaking, soul-shattering experiences that Akhilandeshwari brings. It is 2012 and just about everyone I know seems to be riding on the back of Akhilandeshwari’s croc down the rushing river of life. Crocodiles represent the reptilian part of our brain and our primal fears. They are also considered to be the Divine Mother and speak to the need to draw from our instinct and intuition, to follow signs and synchronicities, to listen to and act from our hearts. The world is fractured, time and our attention is fragmented, everything is moving at a crazy often dizzying pace…Is it any wonder that a Goddess who is never broken and who spins life into being is showing up?

Akhilandeshwari dwells in the space between who we were and who we are becoming. She breaks our rigidity, our calcified habits and thought patterns. She is a Goddess of Transitions. She appears with the news of unexpected loss: of a loved one, relationship, job, home, even our health. Sadness, despair, and grief are some of her fiercest medicines. Her teachings can feel brutal to our egos, but She truly has our best interest at heart.

No matter the loss or sense of devastation we feel, Akhilandeshwari always presents us with an opportunity to look at the wild kaleidoscopic nature of our Being. She shows us that in the splintered aftermath of any heartbreak, these disowned, disdained, feared, and grieving pieces of ourself reflect back an essential aspect of who we are. Our experiences shape us. When we remember, we re-member, we piece back together the broken shards of our lives. These re-membered pieces express a unique mosaic of Self that honors and celebrates the infinite expressions of our humanness.

Akhilandeshwari is not to be feared. She teaches us to be compassionate and patient with our self and our loved ones especially in the midst of turmoil, chaos, and deep processes of inner and outer transformation. In this liminal space between who we were and who we are becoming, Akhilandeshawari may spin us around and around, but as one of my students recently pointed out–who knows what direction we will be facing when She finally sets us down! Just imagine the possibilities! I have learned to expect the unexpected with this Mother. In my experience the blessings that come (even years later long after the initial shock has passed) have always exceeded the pain and struggle I went through.

The journey that unfolds once Akhilandeshwari releases us from Her jaws is deep, mysterious, soul affirming and often intensely creative. Perhaps She will lead us to Tara, Goddess of Compassion and Deliverance, who will rock us in Her boat and carry us to another shore. Tara’s name means STAR–we can think of her as a brilliant guiding light. What guidance are you receiving around whatever it is that has made you feel broken? What and who carries you whenever you are faced with loss, challenges, etc?

Maybe She will lead us to Saraswati, Goddess of Creativity & Wisdom, who will inspire us to create the most incredible work of heART that honors and celebrates the diversity within and around us. Are you able to carve out time to meditate, to contemplate what you are going through? Are you willing to wait until whatever needs to emerge from the “wreckage” is ready to be birthed?

Akhilandeshwari and her crocodile may even take us right into Kali’s heart and remind us of the infinite wellspring of Unconditional Love that is always available to us– even (and especially) in our most broken states.

JAI AKHILANDESHWARI MAA! Blessings to you and yours on all that will be released, surrendered, and birthed in 2012 and beyond!

Spin away!

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In my previous blog post, I shared that for many years I’ve had difficulty feeling sensation. Translation, I have not had a libido since that second assault twenty years ago. When I begin to feel the inklings of sensual energy within my Body, it would shut off for absolutely no reason. My quest to reclaim my libido has been the impetus for my healing for all of these years. It has been my deep knowing that “This is not how I am meant to live life” that has spurred me forward in a quest for vibrancy.

During my twenties, my husband and I were caught up in climbing the corporate ladder: 80 hour work weeks, he was traveling abroad 70% of the time, barely energy to keep up with the projects around our home … all of which masked the truth of what was going on within me. At the age of 30 when we began the talk about having kids, it was obvious that was placing the cart before the horse. Fast forward through 15 years of therapy, extensive yoga therapy training, a 10-day intensive at Masters & Johnson, an official assessment at UCLA’s Womens’ Sexual Health Center as featured on Oprah, and I am no closer to experiencing a break-through.

Until I shifted my perspective. In that moment of discovering that the nervous system can get trapped in a “frozen and collapsed” mode during trauma, of being able to view the years of mysterious and commonplace physical symptoms and my behaviors through a new lens of my biology rather than my biography, I shifted my perspective. I subtly shifted from being a victim of my Body to being in partnership with my Body. Another love affair, if you will.

Yeah, I could be upset that none of the well-paid experts ever guessed the truth of what is going on with me. But I can see so clearly that would be wasted energy. You see, my energy is a precious resource. It has been trapped deep within me, and I’ve been on a quest to liberate it. In that Cathay Pacific economy seat, where my entire nervous system was revved up to 90 miles per hour to escape the hand of the large stranger who penned me into the corner of my window seat while he stroked my thigh … when I could neither fight nor flee … my Body took care of me the only other way available … I checked out of my Body and in that moment, I began to live my life Head First. The 20 years since have been tinged by a very quiet, subtle self-flagellation, all because I remember thinking, “No one will believe you. … The flight is full, so they can’t move you anyway. … It is your word against his. … All that will happen is he will become angry and it will be worse.” My perception has been that I sat there and let it happen.

In discovering “frozen and collapsed” this past April, I realized that it wasn’t a choice I made, but a Living Life Head First

biological survival mechanism. What I did not know is that my revved up “fight or flee” energy had a brake slammed onto it, literally trapping all of that energy deep inside of me. This is what physiologically happens in the “frozen and collapsed” state. According to Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing, who did the pioneering work in this understanding of trauma and how to heal it, a seed had been planted so that anytime the nervous system enters an aroused or activated state … whether due to stress, anxiety, sensuality, excitement, fear … it shuts down for fear of being overwhelmed. I’ve been living that shut down in my repeated cycles of burnout, the lack of libido and the slides into overwhelmed helplessness. What I love about Peter Levine is how matter-of-fact he is … this isn’t an excuse for how I’ve lived life … this is simply the reason I’ve experienced life as I have. There is nothing wrong with me … my Body is responding in the only way that it has known how. And in that moment, the tight constriction of self-judgment, betrayal and self-doubt slips away.

And thus begins my love affair with my Body. In yoga therapy, we learn that trauma is locked in the muscles and organs – often showing up as patterns of emotions, like anxiety or depression or for me, overwhelm, or patterns of muscle tension. My trauma has been stored deeper … in my fascia and tendons, hidden by a layer of numbness to protect me from the pain. That’s how I found myself on the massage table in the midst of a silent scream. In choosing to release that trapped energy, I’ve had to go on a quest to find those parts of me that I cannot see or feel because they are trapped behind a wall of numbness … of listening closely to my Body, and finding skilled bodyworkers who can listen through the numbness and constriction more deeply than I can. More than that, I’ve had to tap into a well of patience and compassion as I would offer anyone else in pain, but have never before done for myself.

Thus I find myself in yet another type of transition. As the straight-jacket-like tension has unraveled from my pelvis, I discovered that this was the strength that I brought into my asana practice. I can no longer find my footing in one foot balance poses, like Warrior III and Tree. I discovered that the way that I had been powering through chaturanga for all of these years was severely aggravating my neck because I was masking weak triceps with the rigid, strong tension in my shoulders. I can see how this pattern of “powering through” has shown up throughout my life and has blocked me from having a deeper, richer experience of life. So I chose to back off, to do the first level of a pose rather than jump to the most challenging version, to flow more slowly than the rest of the class so I could position myself with intention, to move with deliberation instead of mindlessness. My constriction and numbness had blocked me from experiencing parts of my Body — I was on a quest to discover all parts of myself previously unseen and unfelt … to truly embody the saying “Yoga is the practice of bringing the light of consciousness to the unconscious.” On every level, I’ve been challenged to revisit my perception of myself … to love my Body so deeply that I can celebrate wobbly footing as evidence of my transition from “frozen” into “aliveness”.

Back to the massage table … In that moment, when the energy shot down my left arm, and my shoulder blade lifted off the table, and my eyes and mouth popped open, I knew “THIS IS IT! This is the trauma.” Even though I do not have an actual memory of my arm being pulled in that way, I had a flash of recognition – this was the posture of a person desperately trying to pull away from something. And then the wrenching sobs came from some place deep within. I don’t know how to say this, but it wasn’t actually me doing the sobbing … rather the sobbing was the sound that the trauma-stored energy made as it cleared out of my Body. That was the first of many such releases, in many unexpected places: while driving home from Mt Shasta listening to Peter Levine; while receiving a gentle neck massage from my husband; in the midst of yoga practice when I turn my head in the opposite direction from my extended left arm, like in Warrior II; while soaking in the hot tub. The common thread has been that I have to be immersed in a self-nurturing attitude – the slightest inclination towards pushing for more on my part and I can feel something within recoil. My Body and my wound have been craving loving, patient, gentle attention from me, and I find myself finally able to give it.

And much to my surprise, as I use my new-found voice to sing songs of healing and blessings to myself as I hold the parts of me that are now beginning to thaw, the sobs shift to cleansing tears of compassion, thankfulness and understanding. I find myself enveloped in a deep sense of wonder … wonder at the tenacious strength in which my Body has held on to this trapped energy in an effort to protect me … wonder that my Essence has deemed that now is finally the time for this layer of the trauma to come to the surface and be released … wonder that I’ve held onto it for so long until I could learn to be compassionate, loving and self-nurturing with myself. And I experience a moment of knowing the fullness of myself more deeply and vibrantly than I ever thought possible.

What one small loving, self-nurturing action are you willing to take on behalf of yourself today? Scroll down to the Comments section to share your answer!

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PS. My recent blog posts have mentioned Peter Levine and his work with Somatic Experiencing quite a bit. If you are curious about whether this is a resource that would support you, click on the button to the right and listen to the 5 minute audio clip on the site. In simply listening to his voice and content, it was clear to me that he is someone who understood how I have been experiencing life, in ways that I have not been able to Info & Enrollarticulate. More than that, he could guide me in a deeper understanding of both my wounded Self and my True Self. If you decide to purchase it and some other items, be sure to use coupon code BESTLS for a $10 discount off a purchase of $50 or more.

PPS.If you decide to purchase, I will earn a small referral fee. Please know that my recommendations are based on amazing teachers who’ve made a difference in my life. My intention is to share opportunities where you can experience them for yourself. In any instance where I earn a referral fee, please know that I will disclose that, so that you can factor that in … or not … into your decision.



Sincerely,

As a yoga therapy teacher, I feel embarrassed to admit this, but I have difficulty feeling sensation within my body. It is why I’ve trained deeply in yoga modalities, like Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy and Thai Yoga Therapy, that are grounded in more than postures, movement and sensations … where the palate of emotions, thoughts, images, feelings are included in the field of exploration, with the understanding that any one of them can be the portal to your true self. It wasn’t until I discovered the concept of “frozen”, a very real state that my nervous system has lived in, that I realized that my lack of sensation is actually numbness – a biological survival mechanism that was activated during those long ago assaults. So for someone like me, who has difficulty accessing sensation, not because it doesn’t exist, but rather because sensation is trapped behind a wall of frozen numbness, I’ve had to seek other means to access and experience what is deep within me. As you know from my posts, writing has always been a favored means. Now I have sound too!

But, back to the workshop … When Stella said “having a love affair with your many voices,” I felt a zing go up my spine as I recognized that this is a way to describe my life since April. Previously, I had written frequently about my self-critical voice … about how it limits me, how it keeps me stuck, about the mind-games (quite literally) that it plays with me, about how I’ve learned to recognize its tune through the practice of meditation and Nonviolent Communication.

In that zing of recognition, I realized that lately I’ve been following a new set of pipers altogether … the voice of my wisdom body, the voice of my intuition, the voice of my wounded self, the voice of my Higher Self (which I like to call my Essence). Unbeknownst to me, these voices had also been trapped behind that wall of frozen numbness … muted, if you will, seeking ways to express themselves. Never did I guess that simply being able to validate that “Frozen” is not my biography, but rather my biology, that I would be invited into a love affair with my other voices. You see, my self-critical voice played a very mesmerizing tune: “This is wrong … This isn’t normal … Nothing is working … You have to do something else …”, a tune that kept me caught on a merry-go-around of seeking one solution after another. In simply being able to accept that my numbness is a by-product of that trauma … a biological reaction, rather than an error that needs to be fixed … I found that I could tune in more easily to my other voices, effectively letting them sing out loud and clear!

“A love affair with my many voices.” My heart sings just writing that! I can see how my wisdom voice and intuitive voice have been seeking to be seen – most often when I teach and am called to guide a student into a deeper knowing of themselves … into that “WOW! I didn’t know that about myself!” moment. I can see how my Essence voice has been guiding me all along –- like a loving mother would say “One more step! I know you can do it!” to her hesitant child — with infinite patience and trust that I would find my way. In the space that I’ve created since declaring my sabbatical back in August, I can finally hear the soft, scared voice of my wounded self.

And most importantly, I can finally run that self-critical voice through the appropriate translation software, and hear the truth of what it has been telling me all along. Master wisdom teachers, likeShop & Purchase Marshall Rosenberg, Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron and Jack Kornfield, all teach that the judgmental Critic voice, whether it is directed inward or outward, is how our wounded self speaks to us. That’s a startling statement so it is worth repeating: the judgmental Critic voice, whether it is directed inward or outward, is how our wounded self speaks to us. By listening on the level of the actual judgments, the wounded self deploys a very effective strategy of deflection to avoid being hurt again. So now, rather than muting my self-critical voice, which would be a punitive reaction to muting my other voices, I can hear it for what it is … an old way of communicating when I didn’t know any better … an invitation to listen at a deeper level to understand why my wound has been rubbed raw in this moment and is trying to protect itself. And in that space where all of my voices can be welcomed and celebrated, that is where self-compassion and wholeness exists.

What in the world does this have to do with Yoga? Yoga is the practice of bringing consciousness to the unconscious … of discovering those parts of myself that have been hidden behind that wall of numbness.

Would you be willing to share with me one thing that either your Essence voice or wisdom voice or your intuitive voice shared with you today? Scroll down and please share your experience in the comment section.

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Sincerely,

More details to follow in the next few posts where I share how my cultivation practice around Essence has led to some surprising love affairs, followed by a closer, more personal perspective on what is Essence. Why should you care about Essence? Because it is what awaits you as you transform Overworked Overwhelmed Overachiever to where you can use the strengths from that pattern of Being when they serve you, but no longer need to lead life stuck in that default state of Being. Take it from me, it is much more enlivening to lead from Essence even if I am not quite sure where it will lead me!

For A New Beginning by John O’Donohue

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Discovering Essence

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

Would you be willing to share with me how these words have touched you? If you choose to leave your replies below, then you can provide inspiration and guidance to others you visit this page.

Sincerely,




PS. If you enjoyed this John O’Donohue poem and want to connect with the first one I shared, click here to listen to my prayer for last year. And if you find yourself moved and want to access more of John O’Donohue’s writings, check out my Other Resources page. You can purchase it via my Amazon Store under the category “Inspiration for My Spirit”.

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Beijing Olympic Drummers

But the two definitions I like the best are “to deal with successfully” and “to progress from dissonance
to consonance.” The last one is a music concept, where musical tension (dissonance) progresses to harmony (consonance). We have all heard it before … the chord that leaves you hanging … until … the tension dissolves … aaahhhh. Dissonance is the state of disarray during the countless rehearsals that led to the flawless drumming performance at the Beijing Olympics. Take 3 minutes to watch the first part of this video to remember how awesome this performance truly was! And then to stop and consider that it was two thousand and eight drummers! For me, that performance was embodied consonance … demonstrated in the the flow, the harmony of movement and sound, the awe inspiring collaboration. Think about the resolutions you have previously made that you have left hanging. The incompleteness creates a sensed tension, doesn’t it? By focusing on “resolve”, you are mindfully creating the conditions for success … where your loose ends resolve into a harmonious conclusion.

You may wonder what this has to do with meditation and yoga therapy … well, everything! Meditation teaches you to choose your point of focus (your goal) and to recognize when you are distracted, so that you can return to your point of focus. Meditation teaches you to notice when you have reverted to habitual patterns, so you can choose to re-commit to a new behavior. The yoga therapy-derived, Body Focused mindfulness techniques I teach in my Mpowerment Meditations Homey Study program allow you to tune into your own signs of dissonance. A meditative One-on-One Yoga Therapy session is an extended period of deeply focusing on what is happening in the present moment, while you physically relax and release the dissonance and constrictions embedded throughout your Body-Mind Connection. Many of us doubt whether we can be in the now … those clients with the biggest doubts consistently leave yoga therapy sessions experiencing consonance and balance.

Meditation and yoga therapy teach you awareness. With awareness, you can take a breath … thereby creating space so you can choose how you want to be in this particular situation. Making an empowered choice is another opportunity to experience consonance … ease, release, flow, creativity, energy, inspiration … that indescribable state of being that is beyond words, beyond labels, beyond expectations.

Start by picking just one thing you want to resolve for yourself. From a meditation perspective, choosing one is not limiting … it is simply picking your point of focus to which you will bring yourself back. It creates the conditions by which you can give yourself permission to devote your energy, without added distractions, to that one thing you want to resolve.

Resolve: to reduce by analysis; to reach a firm decision about; to deal with successfully; to progress from dissonance to consonance. Which definition inspires you? Please share below!



Sincerely,

PS. Stay tuned to next week where I begin my series of posts on the concept of Essence.

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Contrary to what I share in the video post, knowing that we are entering into the holiday in-box flood, I’ve decided to postpone my blog series on Essence and Genius to next month and to make this my last post for this year. Namaste, Shalom, Salaam, On Shanti, May Peace Be With You and may this blog post serve as a beacon for the new year ahead.

Living Out Loud By Iyanla Vanzant

Living out loud means having the courage to be exactly who you are without apology. It means admitting your mistakes without beating yourself up. It means not taking who you are and what you have for granted. Release all shame! Release all guilt! You cannot live out loud if you are hiding behind what was. Living out loud means focusing on what is, right now, and that is you!

Stand Up and Be Yourself